Upwards of 85% of learning problems in children have their root in a family conflict situation. So in this talk, I want to give positive direction that parents can use to avoid serious learning, emotional and behavioural difficulties in their children.

1. Create a home environment which is free from conflict.

Create a home environment where the child will experience love and acceptance. It’s very difficult for a child to arrive at school and deal with the difficult concepts of mathematics or language when they are worrying about what is happening at home. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs ranges our needs like steps on a ladder. Safety, security and shelter come at the bottom; self-actualisation (which includes education) comes at the top. If the lower needs are not being met, that will absorb our energy and attention and we will not be able to aspire to the higher ones. So, if the child is afraid his family is going to break up, his need for security will overpower his ability to strive for self-improvement. Not all children in conflict situations develop problems, especially if at least one parent is meeting the needs. Sometimes divorce, sad as it is, helps the situation. It can be a relief to the child because it resolve some of the conflict.

2. Love your child.

It’s amazing how many parents don’t actually experience love for their children. They give me many reasons. Some mother might say, “I never really wanted this child – I fell pregnant by mistake.” This poor child has been feeling rejection even in the womb. Many fathers say, “I wanted a boy.” So his daughter has constantly been craving his love, without receiving it. If you don’t love your child, you might need to seek help from a counsellor. Often the problem is yours, not the child’s. You can be helped.

3. Give your children praise and recognition.

Don’t make this dependent on their achieving some goal that you have set for them. Don’t set their goals for them. Children soon learn that you are doing the goal-setting, so they stop setting goals for themselves, and become dependent on you to set them. They will even manipulate you into doing it: “Howe much do you want me to get?” Turn the question back: “How much do you want to get?” If the child then doesn’t get what they aimed at, they don’t have to feel they’ve let the parent down.If they are striving to meet your goals, they can start suffering from achievement anxiety. Try to see what the child has got right, not what the child has got wrong. “I’m glad to see you got three out of the ten right. How many did you want to get right?” The child will inevitably set the goal higher.

4. Try to create a positive self-concept in your children.

Avoid always seeing and verbalizing the negative. We all tend to live into the labels people put onto us. “You’re so clumsy” will lead to clumsiness. When we say these negative things, we are simply reinforcing the very thing we want to get out of the child. Those labels go into the subconscious, which is unable to reject them. Avoid “you” messages like “You lazy, selfish child. Why can’t you turn down that music?” Instead use “I” messages: “I’ve had a really hard day at the office and would really appreciate a bit of peace and quiet. Would you mind turning down that music?”

5. Give your children a clear value system.

They will not pick up a value system you don’t live by yourself. You can’t tell your 15-year-old girl that she mustn’t sleep with some man when you yourself are living with someone you’re not married to. You cannot expect your children to live up to a standard you’re not living up to yourself.

6. Discipline

6.1 Make sure you can control your toddler. It is frightening to see an adult who afraid of their own 4-year-old.

Begin to discipline a child when it starts crawling. If you don’t, it will destroy your house. A child must clearly understand by the age of 2 that they must obey.

6.2 Action is the key to discipline. Do not raise the pitch or tone of your voice when children do not listen. In fact it is better to lower your voice and change your body language to indicate that you are about to take action. Always use a firm, lower voice and the forward body position. It is impending action that causes a child to obey, not the tone or volume of the voice. Children learn at what pitch the parent is about to take action and know exactly when they had better obey. The parent then thinks it’s the shouting that did the trick, but it’s not that at all – it’s that the child recognized that action was about to take place. If action doesn’t take place after obedience, the child is getting a mixed message.

6.3 Maintain your own dignity. When I lose my temper, I lose my dignity, and children do not respect or obey people for whom they have lost respect.

6.4 Don’t give commands that you do not intend to enforce. And keep commands to a minimum – five or six a day is enough. Give the child space to live.

6.5 Keep the action/punishment simple and not excessive. It is a weak disciplinarian who gives the child a huge hiding or bans him from something for a whole week. If the discipline is timeous, it will not need to be excessive.

7. Have empathy for your children.

Empathy is the quality of seeing the other person’s point of view, and of being sympathetic. You may know that their current tragedy will soon pass, but the child does not see it that way. So empathize with what they are feeling. It does not help to tell the teenage girl whose boyfriend has dumped her, “Never mind there are lots of fish in the sea.” It is far more helpful to say, “I’m so sorry you’re feeling so sad. It’s a terrible thing when a boy drops you. You think life will never be happy again. I remember when a boy dropped me when I was 15, and I thought they would never be anyone else for me again. But you know, about 5 months later I did meet someone else, and I fell in love again.” The same principle applies when a 2-year-old pops a balloon.

8. Spend a lot of time with your children.

It is a common fallacy: “It’s not the quantity of time you spend with the children, it’s the quality.” The quantity of time is crucial. We can be given all the possessions in the world, but what they want is our time. It’s a question of priority – we have to decide what is the most important. We must not do too much for our children, and we certainly must not do too little. We must do things to keep ourselves healthy, but must make sure the children are healthy too.