Must I always tell people I've forgiven them?
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Introduction
I was playing Snakes and Ladders with my granddaughter one day, and I made the mistake of beating her. I saw her face crumpled up, so I said, “I’m sorry I beat you, my sweetheart.” She looked at me through her tears and said, “It’s all right Grampa, I’ve forgiven you.”
Now there’s a young lady well on her way to mental and spiritual health.
We must forgive.
But I’m not convinced we must forgive everyone for everything. I’m not at all convinced that Jesus forgave the Scribes and Pharisees. When he said, “Father forgive them,” he was talking to the soldiers, who did not know what they were doing. He was not talking to the Scribes and Pharisees, who knew exactly what they were doing.
I knew of minister’s wife who had been hurt badly by somebody, and was struggling to let it go. Then, one day, she was travelling with her husband in Kruger Park, and got stuck behind a truck and trailer. The trailer was pulling refuse from Skukuza camp, and was stinking. The whole car was pervaded with the smell. She immediately said to herself, “That’s me – dragging a stinking trailer of resentment behind me.” And at that moment, she was able to let it go.
We must forgive whenever possible.
But we must be careful of pressuring other people to forgive too quickly. If you forgive before you have felt the full pain and import of what has been done to you, the forgiveness won’t stick, and it will come back to bite you. Forgiveness is akin to grief – the greater the pain or loss, the longer it takes for the process. To forgive your wife for dinging your new car – 30 minutes. To recover from the death of a child – at least a year.
How long do you think it takes to forgive someone for murdering your wife?
Dawie Ackerman’s wife was murdered in the St James Church massacre in 1993. Four years later Dawie was able to confront her murderers in the Truth and Reconciliation Commission. I was privileged to hear a recording of that confrontation. It was painful to listen to his agony as he longed for some show of sorrow from the perpetrators. He clearly wanted to forgive, but was finding it very difficult until they showed remorse.
So we must be careful not to criticise people who are struggling to forgive.
But we must move towards forgiveness as quickly as possible.
However, I do not believe we are obliged tell everybody that we have forgiven them.
The example of Joseph
To illustrate this, I want to use the story of Joseph in the book of Genesis – he of the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
I take the story of Joseph very seriously, because Joseph is a “type” of Christ. That is to say, his whole life was a living prophecy of Jesus. There are over 30 parallels between the life of Joseph and Jesus. Some of them startling: the betrayer is one of twelve; he betrays with pieces of silver; we are even given the betrayer’s name - Judah/Judas – the same name.
I’m sure you remember the story – how Joseph was the eleventh of twelve brothers and he and his younger brother were the favourites. You can imagine how popular that made them. And then Joseph started to have his dreams, and artlessly told them to his brothers:
“I dreamt that in the fields one day at corn collecting time,
Your eleven sheaves of corn all turned and bowed to mine.
Could it be that I was born to higher things than you?
A post in someone’s government? A ministry or two?”
The brothers seethed with jealousy, and one day their opportunity came. Judah was the betrayer and organised for Joseph to be sold for 20 pieces of silver to a hairy bunch of Ishmaelites who took him to Egypt and sold him as a slave.
Now, Joseph had already forgiven Judah by the stage. We know it because he kept rising to the top. As a slave in Potifar’s house he rose in Potifar’s estimation to the point where he was given responsibility for running the whole household. Then he was betrayed again, and thrown into prison. There, again, he rose to the top, to the point where the jailers handed him the key, and he ran the whole prison. Then, in the presence of Pharaoh, he rose to the position of Prime Minister running the whole country.
How do I know Joseph has already forgiven Judah? Because he keeps rising to the top.
You do not rise to the top if you are weighed down by bitterness.
Bitterness is like stones in a body bag that drag you to the bottom.
Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.
Joseph has forgiven Judah, but he does not tell him. Instead, he leads him on a long, tortuous journey.
As far as I know it is the longest single story in the whole Bible – five long chapters – therefore I presume it to be very important. The famine brings the brothers to Egypt where they bow down before the great man. (“I dreamt that in the fields one day…") He taunts them and questions them and accuses them of being spies. He then takes Simeon into custody and says they will never see him alive again unless they bring their youngest brother with them next time.
And so, with heavy heart and heavy feet they trudged back to Canaan to tell their aged father that he has lost another son.
When they open their sacks, they find their money in the top of the corn, and their dread of the great man grows.
Months go by and the food runs out, so they must go back to Egypt. They tell their father that they dare not go back unless they take Benjamin with them. Jacob says, “If I lose Benjamin, you will bring my grey hairs down with weeping to the grave.”
Then Judah speaks up and says to his father, “You can hold my life as forfeit if the boy does not come back. I will take responsibility for him.”
Judah’s healing has begun.
And so they take Benjamin to Egypt.
For the second time they bow before the great man. After taunting them and playing strange games with them, Joseph gives them food and lets them go. But Pharaoh's horsemen chase them, and accuse them of stealing the precious silver. They open the sacks of corn, and find the cup Benjamin’s sack.
And so in dread, they trudge back to the fearsome ruler.
He is surprisingly lenient on them, saying that he will keep Benjamin in slavery but the rest are free to go.
At this point, Judah speaks up and says to Joseph, “If the boy does not get back alive, my father will die of grief. I beg you to keep me in slavery and let the boy go free.”
Judah is willing for the same fate to fall on him as he inflicted on his brother those years ago. He is willing to make reparation for his own sin – to try to repair the damage he has done. And Judah's repentance is complete.
Then, and only then, does Joseph tell him he has forgiven.
And so we learn a fundamental lesson from this great Joseph/Jesus figure:
We are not obliged to tell someone that they are forgiven until their repentance is manifest – evident from their actions, not just their words.
All true repentance is accompanied by a desire to make reparation.
The story of the feathers
There was pastor who had ministered in a church for many years. All down those years, a man called Robert had made his life very difficult – constantly criticising and spreading rumours, which other people had passed along. The day came when the pastor grew old and was dying. Robert thought that he had better go and ask forgiveness. So he went up to the pastor's sickroom and asked the old man to forgive him.
The old pastor looked at Robert for a moment and then said, “First I would like you to do something for me.”
“Yes, what is it?” asked Robert.
“I would like you to take this pillow, and those scissors on the dresser, and cut the top off the pillow. Then I would like you to scatter the feathers out of the window.”
Robert was about to remonstrate, but he saw that the old man was deadly serious. So he did what he was told. It was an upstairs window, and a strong breeze was blowing. The feathers literally scattered to the winds.
Then Robert came back to the old man’s bed-side. The old man looked at him and said, “Robert, I would love to forgive you, but first I want you to go out and gather all those feathers back together. Then come back and I will forgive you.”
Of course the old man was not talking about feathers. He was talking about words, which are a lot harder than feathers to gather back. Robert would never be able to repair all the damage he had done, but if his repentance was real, he needed to go out and put right as much as she could.
All true repentance is demonstrated by an effort at reparation.
So we must forgive as soon and as often as possible.
But we are not obliged to tell others they are forgiven until they show repentance by their actions.
Conclusion
Did you know that cows actually leap for joy when they are released after a long winter in the barn? In the last chapter of the Old Testament we are told: “The Son of Righteousness will arise with healing in his wings, and you will leap like calves released from the stall.”
There are two experiences that open the wellsprings of joy in our lives and make our spirit leap for joy. We will be like calves released from the stall when we are forgiven, and when we forgive others.
