Transactional Analysis
For a much fuller description of Transactional Analysis, watch my four videos (about 20 minutes each.)
In This Article:
Introduction
Transactional Analysis is a very simple, yet profound, form of psychology. It was created during the years immediately after the Second World War, when too many soldiers were returning from the war with emotional and relational difficulties for them be to be given individual counselling. Two psychologists – Eric Berne and Thomas Harris – devised Transactional Analysis to enable returning soldiers to receive group counselling, or to be helped simple by reading their books. Eric Byrne's book was called "Games People Play," and Thomas Harris' was called "I am Ok, You're Ok." Both of these books became top-sellers in their own right.
The basic concept behind T. A. Is that every human being, like God, is three-in-one. The centre of Jewish faith, and one of the most famous verses in the Old Testament is Deuteronomy 6:4 – commonly known as "The Shema." This is the verse that Jewish people nail to their doorposts, and Orthodox Jews wear on their foreheads. It reads: "Hear, O Israel, the Lord your God, the Lord is one." This verse is the bedrock of monotheism. And yet, in spite of the Old Testament's insistence on the one-ness of God, there are suggestions right from the beginning that God, within himself, is plural. As early as in Genesis 1:27 we read, "Then God said,' Let us make man in our own image'." God is talking within himself.
And then, very early in the New Testament, we get very clear indications of God in three persons – three in one. John 1:1 says "In the beginning was the Word (Jesus), and the Word was with God and the Word was God." In John 14:16, Jesus says, "I will ask the Father, and He will give you the Spirit of truth." Jesus, Father, Spirit talking within themselves. This three-fold nature of God was most graphically seen in Matthew 3:16 – "As soon as Jesus was baptised, John saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said,' This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." This is, I think, the only time in Scripture when all three persons of the godhead of visible or audible – the Son in the form of a man, the Spirit in the form of the dove, and the Father in the form of a voice.
If, then, God is three-in-one, it is no surprise that we, made in his image, should be too.
Siegmunt Freud sensed this when he talked about the Id, the Ego and the Superego. Berne and Harris much more helpfully called these the Parent, the Adult, and the Child. Actually, they called them the Parent voice, the Adult voice, and the Child voice.
They use the word "voice" because we actually hear them inside our heads. And, when someone is using one of the voices, you can clearly hear it in their tone. These "voices" are so distinctive, that you can even hear, just by the tone, which voice someone is using, even if they are speaking in a foreign language. A key to understanding T.A. is to realise that all three of these "voices" are present in all of us, and are essential for healthy living. There are times when it is appropriate for a healthy adult to use the Child voice, times when it is appropriate to use the Parent voice, and of course it is often appropriate to use the Adult voice.
The Parent voice
We often think of God as a parent. Jesus encouraged us when we pray to say "Our Father." Like all good parents, God has two sides to his parenting nature. We call these "Nurture" and "Discipline". The nurturing voice is heard in verses like Ps 103:13 - “As a father has compassion on his children,so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him.” God even refers to himself as a mother in Isaiah 48:15 - "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!" The disciplined side of God's nature is seen in verses like Proverbs 3:12, we read "The Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in."The Ten Commandments are part of God's nature as a good parent to discipline his children. It is crucial to our understanding of the Bible that we realise that when God tells us "thou shalt not," he is being a good parent – he knows what is good and bad for us, and disciplines us only for our good.
In the same way good human parents maintain a healthy balance between discipline and nurture. When parents discipline us their aim is to give us principles to live by; to enable us to realise that there are boundaries in life which need to be observed; and that there are consequences to our actions. A parent who fails to teach a child these things is failing their child. The nurturing side of the parent gives us the priceless treasures of love, security and of self-control.
Parents must achieve a balance between nurture and discipline. If the child is given too much discipline with not enough nurture, the child becomes oppressed, or rigid, guilt-ridden and damaged. If, however, a child is given too much nurture and not enough discipline, they can become spoiled, lacking in self-control, and have an inappropriate sense of entitlement. At worst, they have no conscience. When a child is over-parented or over-protected, they can also develop a sense of helplessness – they become too used to everything being done for them.
By the way, it is not adequate, say, for the father to do all the discipline and the mother to do all the nurturing. For a child to be healthy, both the father and the mother need to maintain a good balance of nurturing and discipline.
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Now, as we grow up, we internalise these parent voices – obviously, from our own parents, but also from all sorts of other authority figures like schoolteachers. Eventually, probably by the age of seven, we have developed our own inner Parent voice which is with us for life. So, if we are compulsively tidy, it is because our own internal parent voice is constantly saying, "You must be tidy." Or, if we are able to endure hardship or criticism, it is because we have an inner parent voice which says to us, "You are strong," or, "You are a good person." And, when we have children of our own, our Parent voice will come into play as we bring them up.
The big question is: What kind of parent voice do I have?
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The Child voice
In the Child voice, emotion predominates over reason. The Child voice enables us to trust, and to experience and handle emotion. And it is really important that we are able to do this. Jesus said "You must become like little children, or you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven." We enter heaven by faith (trust) which is essentially a Child voice function.
As with the Parent voice, there are two sides to the Child voice. On the one hand the Child voice gives us the capacity for joy for emotion – for laughter, adventure, wonder, spontaneity and intimacy. Without these, life becomes very bleak. On the other hand, the Child enables us to feel and handle 'negative' emotions - to cry, to be angry or sad, to fear, to grieve. I put the word 'negative' in inverted commas, because they are not actually negative at all. Without them, we become emotional cripples.
If the Child voice in us is too inhibited, we will become emotionally numb, possibly cynical, and prone to depression.
If the Child voice is too uninhibited, we can become childish instead of child-like: getting our “joy” from stupid excesses, fool-hardiness, and even promiscuity. We will be prone to addictions. We will handle adversity by sulking, tantrums, and manipulation, and we will be prone to hold grudges.
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But the person with a healthy Child voice will lead a rich emotional life, and be able to handle the little or big tragedies which life inevitably throws at us. A study of the emotional life of Jesus shows this in all its fullness.
The Adult voice
The Adult Voice is the voice of reason. It always speaks in a calm tone, even when things are really emotional - it is aware of emotion, but keeping it under control. It is unthreatened and unthreatening. It seeks and welcomes reality, and looks for solutions. It is loathe to tell people what to do, avoiding words like “must” and “should.” It prefers to make suggestions using words like “might” and “could”, leaving the decision to the other person.
Key to the Adult Voice is a calm tone.
We are told that the Adult Voice begins to emerge in the tenth month of our lives. That is when the invitation to grow up begins. But it is an invitation we can refuse. Getting older is mandatory; growing up is optional. Happy is the person whose adult voice is strong and healthy,
Summary of the voices
The Parent Voice gives us an inner authority;
The Child Voice gives us a rich emotional life;
The Adult voice enables us to run our lives by reason.
Transactions
Whenever two people meet (each with Parent, Adult and Child voices inside them) certain things happen very quickly. They both very quickly decide which voice to use in their interactions with that person. Very soon, they make an unspoken, almost unconscious agreement (transaction) with the other person that whenever they talk, it will be in that combination of voices. Once this unspoken transaction is made, it becomes fixed and very hard to change.
Whenever we interact with people, we use a combination of the three voices. We can’t avoid it. The key to healthy living is to choose the appropriate combination (transaction) for each relationship and occasion.
Here are some of the common transactions:
Adult-Adult.
This is the prize transaction. We use it as often as possible. It is the goal of all relationships, including those between parents and their children. It is possible and desirable even between a boss and an employee. It is always best to speak in the calm voice of reason, keeping emotions under control. The adult voice talks reasonably, neither trying to control nor reacting aggressively towards others. We can speak assertively without being domineering. We avoid words like should and must. We feel no need to put guilt on others. We don't tell people what to do, we try to persuade, respecting the other's right to make their own decisions.
This is the only decent way to live.
This picture depicts a very good Adult-Adult relationship. The woman clearly has something she wants to say to the man, and it looks quite serious - they may be things that man won't enjoy. Although serious and intent, she's not attacking him and is rational and calm. He is clearly committed to listening properly and is taking what she says seriously. Notice how his body language is forward, and his hands over his mouth – indicating he will not speak until she has said everything she wants to. The key is that he is not defensive. This relationship has every chance of going a long way.
Parent-Child.
This is the appropriate transaction between, of course, parents and small children. The parent must assume authority, and, at times, give orders and ensure that those orders are obeyed. Equally, they must protect and nurture their children, with lots of cuddling and words of reassurance. This is normal and necessary.
Here is a beautiful example of a Parent-Child relationship, which is on the verge of graduating to Adult-Adult. (All relationships between parents and their children should graduate to Adult-Adult on a sliding scale between the ages of 12 and 18. By 18 it is not appropriate for us to be telling, forbidding, disciplining, scolding, etc. The only "rules" that a child should be required to obey beyond the age of 18 are the normal rules of the house, should they still want to live there.) In this picture, the girl is probably about 16 – near to the end of the Parent-Child relationship. Notice how beautifully the mother is talking to her, with the hand gently resting on her knee. The angle of the mother's head indicates understanding and empathy. The discipline side of this relationship is clearly coming to an end, though the mother is still clearly firm in what she is saying. The daughter's expression is still a little doubtful and defensive, but she is listening. Although the topic is not entirely to her liking (note the folded arms), she is staying with it. She is not far from being an Adult.
Parent-Child is even appropriate for a while (but never permanently) between two adults. For example when the husband has lost a best friend to cancer, the wife will ‘mother’ him for a while. Or when the wife is very stressed or tired, the husband might say, "Go to bed, and I'll bring you some hot milk and honey, then I'll give you a back-rub,"
Child-Child.
This is, of course, appropriate between children. There are few things nicer than watching children lost in play and imaginary games. Even when they squabble, that’s fine - it’s part of growing up.
A couple who have lost a son or a daughter will probably slip into a Child-Child relationship for a while - both lost in overwhelming emotions and grief. Those around them understand this and will do everything for them for a while. Note "for a while" - in time, they will revert to Adult-Adult: sad, devastated, but taking back control of their lives.
But not for now.
All of this is perfectly normal. And it should always be temporary.
But there are relationships/ transactions which are not normal or healthy:
Child-Child.
The Child-Child transaction is never appropriate in on-going adult relationships. Many people slip into the Child-Child relationship whenever conflict arises: shouting, threatening, bullying, sulking, manipulating, cajoling, throwing tantrums and slamming doors being the order of the day.
It is particularly sad to see married couples habitually in a Child-Child relationship. They are in fact two children living in the same house. And, of course, nothing is ever resolved.
Parent-Child.
We described above a few situations in which the Parent-Child Transaction is appropriate for brief periods.
But the Parent-Child relationship is entirely inappropriate and damaging in any on-going relationship between two adults. Yet it is extremely common - even customary - between bosses and employees. Your employees are not children, and they are definitely not your children.
It is especially sad when husbands and wives slip into an habitual Parent-Child transaction. It is by no means always the husband who bosses the wife, though with his louder voice and with society's glorifying of strong men, this is
often the case.
But women can easily parent their husbands. This is particularly common when the husband is an alcoholic. She tears strips off him for being drunk, so he feels like dirt, and that gives him an excuse to drink some more. And so the pathological cycle perpetuates. They are both getting something out of this pathological relationship. She feels that she is the victimised saint putting up with all of his bad behaviour; he feels like the punished victim, and that gives him an excuse to go back drinking. We call this co-dependancy. Ironically, both of them feel that they are victims.
A particularly dangerous version of the Parent-Child relationship is where a helpful child takes the Parent role with a helpless mother or father. I knew of a case where a four-year-old girl would not go to sleep until she had tucked her mother into bed for the night. Sometimes, after a divorce, the mother tells her ten year-old son, “Now you must be the man of the house.”
This robs the child of his childhood.
Maps and Scripts
We all have pictures inside our heads which explain to us who we are and how the world works. Scott Peck calls these “maps.” They are a short-hand version of reality and we need them to enable us to navigate our way through the world. But they are always incomplete because we and the world are very complex and none of us knows it altogether (Psalm 139:1-6). The map I adopt in my childhood needs to be revised in my teens; and the map from my teens needs to be revised in my adult years. In fact, Scott Peck’s definition of maturity is a person who is constantly willing to revise his maps.
Maps are normal. We can't operate without them. As long as we decide on our own maps, and are willing to revise them, all is well,
But problems arise when others start prescribing our maps for us. This is called a script. A script is written for a movie or a play, and once you have been allocated your role, it becomes fixed - we are not permitted to depart from it. This is fine in acting, but disastrous in life. If we live by a script, we lose touch with who we really are. This may be done to us by others, but sometimes we comply far too easily - scripts give us a false sense of security. They help us feel that we know who we are, and how we should behave, even if they are restrictive and repressive. We are not given permission to change or revise our scripts, and are required to live in the same script perpetually. And those around us react very negatively if we try to step out of our scripts. Scripts are always inadequate, and they minimise who you are. They are self-fulfilling: we start to believe the script and live into it. Worst of all, scripts restrict us - they are a kind of prison - they put us into bondage.
Yours truly, age 16, keeping to a script: a rather wet version of Ferdinand in the Tempest.
Common scripts are: Be helpful; be hurtful; be helpless; don't be yourself; don't be a child; don't grow up; don't succeed; don't do anything ; don't exist; don't be important; don't belong; don't be close; be funny; don't be well; don't think; don't feel; please others; be perfect; be strong; try hard; hurry up; be careful; be the boss; be a victim.
Changing the Script
All inappropriate transactions involve Scripts, and it is essential for our mental and emotional health to break out of them. This is exceedingly difficult.
Always remember that a script is an addiction, like smoking or alcoholism, and will have to be treated as such. We may say, “I can’t stand how my husband uses the Parent voice with me,” but it may be that I am actually addicted to the Parent-Child relationship. In a sick way, I need it. All addictions, however unhealthy, have a pay-back: a benefit I get out of it. I have to be willing to forego that pay-back.
We have to step out of the role we've been given.
But we need to be prepared for all hell to break loose. No-one else wants us to break out of the script. Scripts make everyone comfortable in an bizarre way, and when one person in the “system” tries to break out, others will fight us all the way. The Key is to refuse to carry on “Playing the Game.” Refuse to be drawn into the Parent or Child voice. Always answer with the Adult voice, even if the other continues Parent or Child. It scares the heck out of a grown man who is used to hearing the Child voice from his wife, when she says calmly, “I am reviewing our relationship, and I will let you know when I’ve decided what to do.”
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Breaking free of a repressive relationship, does not necessarily mean breaking the relationship. The first prize is always the healing of the relationship, but if the other party consistently refuses, then it will be necessary to get out of that relationship.
“All hell breaks loose” may be more than just a figure of speech: Satan loves to put people into bondage, and will react fiercely when someone tries to break out. So we need God’s help if we are to get free. One of the key principles of AA is that you cannot break the addiction on your own - you need a “Higher Power.”
Setting people free is central to the ministry of Jesus. At the start of his ministry, he said, “The Lord has anointed me to set the oppressed free.”(Lk 4:18). Later he said, “If the Son shall set you free, you shall be free indeed.” (John 8:36.) Paul said, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Galatians 5:1). So, when we want to break out of a repressive relationship, God is very much on our side, and we can ask for his help.
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Whenever I’m helping someone to break a bondage, I start by reading aloud from Ephesians 1:15-23 - the great passage which declares our authority in Christ who is head over all principalities and powers, and anything else which wants to prevent us from enjoying our freedom. We have all of that power available to us in our quest to break free.
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The best book I know I'm getting out of bondage situations is called "The Bondage Breaker" by Neil Anderson. If you are in any sort of bondage, I strongly recommend you get that book.
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A story - Someone who changed the script
Dr Lewis Smedes was a pastor who spent many years lecturing at Fuller Theological Seminary. He and his wife, Doris, were unable to have children, so they adopted two. When their daughter reached her teenage years, she started to become difficult. The trouble seemed to start when she discovered that she was adopted. Like many adopted children, she began to struggle with a feeling of rejection. She took on herself the script: "I deserve to be rejected." It almost certainly was never put onto her by her parents. The trouble is, that when we adopt a script, we live to make it come true. She actually admitted later in life that she had deliberately behaved as badly as she could in order to get her parents to reject her. That would then confirm to her that her script was true.
Lewis commented that "Children are not puppies – you can't hand them around at six weeks old." No matter how well the adoptive parents do, there is always going to be the danger of the sense of rejection in the adopted child.
In her late teens, their daughter developed anorexia. It became worse and worse, until, in her twenties, it seemed that she was going to kill herself by not eating. Her troubles completely absorbed her parents, and they found their entire lives revolving around trying to keep her alive. By doing this, the daughter had managed to lock her parents into a script: "You will be the parents whose job it is to keep me alive, and I will be the helpless child with you revolving around me."
Then one night, Lewis was sitting in his study and reached a turning point in his life. He realised that his entire life was being taken up by his daughter's problems, and that it was not helping her. He took a decision that night to get on with his own life – to choose life – and to leave her as an adult to make her own choice. This was a very brave decision, because the daughter could have chosen death. Many do, and the parents had to be ready to come to terms with that possibility.
And so he let his daughter know that that was what they were going to do. He assured her that they loved her and would grieve very heavily if she were to die, but that they were not going to let her troubles run their lives anymore. He and his wife started to talk about other things for the first time in years. They took some holidays, and started to have some fun. He began to concentrate more on his work and wrote some new books.
As it happened, his daughter did choose life. Perhaps she chose life because of what her parents had decided. As long as they continued in the Parent-Child relationship, she was never going to take responsibility for her own life. It seems that the devilish sickness of anorexia is related in some way to the issue of control. Perhaps she had felt that she had insufficient control over her own life, and her eating was the one thing she could control. She also discovered that through her disorder, she could control her parents lives. Only when they stopped allowing her to control their lives, did the cycle break. Once they broke the script, it forced her to make a decision. Someone had to step out of the role they had been given.
Fortunately, in her case, she chose life. Later she and her father wrote a book together on the whole story.
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Lewis died after falling from a ladder at his home on December 2002, while hanging decorations on a Christmas tree for his grandchildren. Even in death he was choosing life.